Ok So Im still here, god, its getting really hot, we get up to about 110 in the day, mabey a bit hotter in some places. today at about 10am it was around 100, ahhhh its HOT!!!!
But Im almost out of here. I'm so close now I can taste it, or is that just all the shit in the air, maybe that's what I taste heheh. Every day seems to take so long, just drudging on and on, with the heat and constant stupidity.
I've also noticed a change in my level of fear, I know when we first got here, and you first go out side the wire, your nervous, you don't know what to expect, then things start blowing up, people shooting at us, you stay calm, you react, you do your job, but its a bit unnerving when you stop to think about what it is your actually doing, what it is that can actually happen. Over time you become numb to it, you don't care, you just do what you have to do without thought of consiquence. You do it over and over and over. Hundreds upon hundreds of times, we do things every day that would make most people petrified if you stop to think about what it is your actually doing, and a fair amount of shit that would make your asshole pucker, but eventually you laugh and tell jokes in the middle of it, you just don't care it just doesn't matter, you realize if its your time its your time there is nothing your going to do to stop it. You start out with good intent, and motivation, you end up with allot of hate and disgust, for every thing here, every one here. the country, the government, the people, the weather, the food, the job, everything, I hate these people, I hate this country, I have one word that describes my feelings towards Afghanistan, Genocide....
Now that Im almost done that feelings back, that fear, that realization that this shit is life and death every second of every day, and now that i have such a short amount of time it sucks, i want to make it out of this shit hole and get home.
I think before I may not have felt this way, maybe I still wouldn't have cared, but not now, I have to much back home not to not get back there. I have a life and a family and things I need in my life.
I have a woman I love and and a family I want to be with. I have things I want to do, I don't care about this country or these people, I care about my life and my people, my family my friends, and enjoying life with them.
And as far as the army goes, they can kiss my ass goodbye, I'm not putting up with this shit again and giving up precious time with my family and friends. I only get to do this once, I want to do it right, and being with people who love you and who you love is probably the most important thing you can do, spending time with them enjoying things you like to do. And as far as the army goes, yeah its just a job, a job that doesn't pay well, pretends to be really caring and concenrd for its employees when in actuality is not, a job that puts you in harms way daily, a job that puts you in contact with people you don't want to be around, a job that just aint all its cracked up to be, and as far as the army if it were a company in the civilian world, they'd have no fucking employees I can guarantee that..
NOW I say all this only after only having served in two aspect of the army, in basic training and in combat, ive heard garrison is worse, but hmmm i guess ill find out pretty soon , Ill be home and get to go home, ill be with the ones i love, maybe it wont be quite as bad. heheheh Hmm I dont know, I go back and forth on what I think about this job, somedays I like it, some days I hate it, all I know is i hate not being able to see my girl. and honestly wont do this again cause there's no way i could ever be away from her for this long again, its just way to hard for both of us.
I guess the truth is getting shot at aint so bad, not being able to be with my girl thats the hard part, putting up with all the bs aint to hard, being without her is hard. i guess thats the truth. I guess i just want to be with her, not here. Ive found someone I really love and want to be with, and I guess im pissed cause im here, and I dont want to spend another day without her, the jobs not bad, the time apart is bad, the things you see here arnt so hard to deal with, the things Im not seeing back home are the things that are hard to know im missing. Comming here opend my eyes to the way the world really is, i see it first hand how horrible things can be, but if i wouldnt have come to afghanistan I wouldnt have found danielle, so amid all the darkness and all the despair, i have found my light, i found what is truly important to me, I found my wife,
and now its time to fucking go home and spend the rest of it with her.
Im really really looking forward to getting my dam hairy monsters back too, fuck i miss my doggys, hehehhe:)
I need a beer and some shade and cool grass under a tree that actually has some dam birds in it, I want to swim in a cold river and i want to do some things im not going to put on here cuz as open as I am there are some things that just aint nun your dam buisness heheheheh, unless your danielle, then you know what im talkin about heheheh. :)
ok fuck I dont know, Im jsut ready to go.
well ill be home soon, so I guess ill keep you posted on dates when i can, not quite yet but well its soon, youve got more fingers than ive got days so there you go.
any way take care,
I love you all see you soon,